Q My wife, who is 65, has not worked in well over a year. At 62 I have to provide for everything. This makes me feel under so much pressure. We have been married for 41 years and have an adult daughter. Now my wife seems more than happy to be at home every day watching TV or playing games on her laptop.

The pattern seems to be that when she does get a job, everything is fine for the first few weeks and she says it’s the best job she’s ever had; give it a month or so and she has either lost the job or quit. She was sacked from one place and didn’t even tell me – I only found out by chance. Every time I bring it up, she refuses to discuss the issue and just shuts everything out. This also means that as a couple we have less to talk about.

She doesn’t have many friends – which she freely admits is her choice. Our world seems very insular and I feel trapped. I am at the end of my tether and just don’t know how to move on from it. All my friends and colleagues have wives or partners who contribute. I am mentally and physically exhausted with it all and just do not know what to do.

A It is understandable how worn down you must feel. It seems likely that beneath her behaviour something more complex is going on. The fact that your wife starts jobs with enthusiasm and then loses them suggests she may be struggling emotionally. Depressionanxiety or a lack of confidence can show up as avoidance behaviours, withdrawal and an inability to sustain motivation. If this has been her pattern all her working life, it is also possible she might have undiagnosed attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

It is complicated, of course, by the fact that she is at an age when many people do retire. Staying at home watching TV or playing games can feel like a safe retreat from the pressures of the outside world, but it is also isolating and creates resentment.

There must have been times when things felt more equal, but something has shifted and her refusal to talk may reflect shame, fear or denial. Try approaching her gently with concern: say you have noticed she seems stuck, that you are worried about her wellbeing and suggest she sees her GP. But this doesn’t take into account your own exhaustion, and she seems oblivious to the toll it is taking on you.

Lying to you about losing her job is unacceptable, so you do need to tell her the situation really can’t continue as it is. Suggest she comes to relationship counselling with you (see relate.org.uk). If she refuses, go alone. Please also see your GP for yourself, because I am concerned about your own anxiety and possible depression. Contact moneyhelper.org.uk, too, to talk through your financial worries.

WAS MY EX RIGHT THAT NO ONE WILL WANT ME?

Q I feel very depressed about being single at 42. I know I am unlikely to have children now, which I also regret.

I had a six-year relationship in my 30s but I have realised looking back that my ex was unkind. He constantly put me down and told me I wasn’t pretty unless I was dressed up and wearing make-up. He told me I was lucky to have him and that no one else would want me. He is a lorry driver and was away a lot. I’m sure he saw other women as eventually he went off with someone else.

I’ve become more confident since, and friends tell me I’m pretty, but apart from a few flings I have been alone. I can’t help feeling he was right and no one will find me attractive.

A I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is no wonder you were left doubting yourself. Your ex was emotionally abusive, undermining your confidence by telling you that you were not attractive and no one else would want you. Sadly, when we hear such put-downs repeatedly from someone close, we can start to believe them.

It is important to recognise, too, that your self-esteem issues perhaps started before this relationship. That lack of inner confidence may be why you found it hard to leave this damaging man, even though you knew, really, that he was abusive. It’s also natural to grieve the loss of the future you hoped for. But please don’t believe your life or chances of love are over.

I strongly recommend counselling with a psychodynamic approach to help you explore these deeper issues (see bacp.co.uk). With the right support, you can feel happier and more confident. That, in itself, will make you more likely to meet someone worth your love.

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My wife won’t get a job and I feel broken trying to provide for our family. Hold on, says DEAR CAROLINE… that’s bad enough but your letter raises a MUCH bigger red flag