QI am exhausted trying to cope with the demands of my elderly parents as well as my job. I work part-time – mornings only – but my parents are in their late 80s and my mum has Alzheimer’s. My dad refuses to get any help, even though they can easily afford it. Yet I can see he is worn out and not coping, so I go over several times a week to clean, cook and make freezer meals.

I’d love to give up work for a while but I can’t afford to unless I ask my husband to support me until I reach pension age. He earns well and I know he wouldn’t mind subsidising me for a few years.

However, we married quite late – in our 40s – and I don’t want to give up my independence. I have always earned my own money and we split bills evenly. We don’t have children, and I am used to being self-sufficient. But I don’t feel I can carry on like this. I had a few days off over Christmas yet I still feel bone-tired. I’m also constantly worried about Mum falling or leaving the house alone if Dad dozes off.

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AIt is no wonder you feel overwhelmed as you try to work, support your parents and witness your mother’s painful decline.

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You describe something very important here: a pattern. Your father refuses help, even though he clearly needs it, and you are mirroring that by refusing to let yourself lean on your husband, even though he sounds willing to support you. Both of you are acting from love and pride, but this refusal to accept help is coming at a heavy cost.

For elderly spouses who care for a partner, admitting they need support can feel like a personal failure. It can make them feel they are letting their loved one down or force them to confront their own frailty. But your father’s head-in-the-sand approach is placing enormous pressure on you and it isn’t sustainable.

So the first step is to talk gently but clearly with him. Explain how anxious you are and the impact this is having on you. Suggest starting with something small – even a couple of hours of professional care a day would give both of you respite. The Alzheimer’s Society support line (0333 150 3456) can advise on how to approach this conversation and what practical help is available.

At the same time, I’m sure that your husband is worried about you – and you probably don’t have much time together. Marriage is a partnership, and couples support each other through hard times. Accepting help from him would not diminish your independence; it would simply acknowledge that you are facing a challenging situation. Please talk openly with him about money, stress and how life can be made easier for both of you. Allowing others to help you is sometimes the kindest thing you can do for everyone involved. Please also see your GP regarding the exhaustion.

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I THINK ABOUT MY LOST LOVE ALL THE TIME

QI had a seven-year affair. He was the love of my life, my soulmate. We were both married with children but neither of us was happy. However, eventually his wife began to suspect and he told me that though he loved me deeply, he had to end the affair. He was frightened of losing his relationship with his children. My husband never knew.

I have not been in touch with this man since. Even now, six years on, I can’t let go. I think about him all the time. I have tried hard to fall back in love with my husband but, even though we get on better now, I will never love anyone else as much as I loved this man.

AI am so sorry this loss still feels raw. It may be hard to hear, but I don’t believe in the idea of a single ‘soulmate’. Most of us are capable of loving than one person deeply over a lifetime.

An affair, especially when both partners feel misunderstood at home, can take on an intensity that’s hard to replicate in ordinary daily life. Part of its power comes from the secrecy and the escape it provides from unhappiness. Usually, when a relationship ends, the sense of grief can linger, often until you fall in love again. But as that isn’t possible in this situation, instead you have tried to reinvest in a relationship that was already unhappy before the affair. This is very painful, and you may now face some difficult decisions.

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Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? Counselling could give you a safe space to process your grief, explore what you truly need and decide whether your marriage can still offer you love and fulfilment. Please don’t tell your husband about the affair – it would be an attempt to absolve your guilt but would only cause him pain.