Here I am back in Californiacelebrating a great week to be alive on Planet Markle. For not only has the Duchess of Sussex announced her long-awaited return to the screen, she has also launched a sparkling wine just in time for the holiday season.

Do we need any further excuse to pop the cork on a bottle of her As Ever 2021 Vintage Napa Valley Brut, boldly priced at £68?

Mmmm, yum! This is absolutely delicious. Cheeky, jammy, flinty and surprising on the nose, with top notes of bitterness and just a hint of tart. Not the fizz, but Meghan’s opportunistic re-emergence as an actress in what must be the biggest Hollywood comeback since John Travolta. That is worth raising a glass of something special, and lucky for me, As Ever as ever have come up with the goods.

Described on the website as a ‘curated blend of the finest varietals’, this new addition to the range ‘delights the palate with gentle notes of green apple and pear, accents of citrus and white peach, and a subtle hint of starfruit for balanced brightness and a crisp, elegant finish’.

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There’s . This is ‘a fresh, complex sparkling crafted from Napa Valley pinot noir and chardonnay grapes using the traditional Méthode Champenoise… our 2021 Vintage Brut is a special wine from a favourable year.’

And if you are a complete nitwit who needs guidance on when to drink such a fabulous elixir, the Duchess and her team have that covered, too. ‘Ideal for celebrating an engagement, achievement, or reunion, this one-of-a-kind cuvee comes dressed to the nines in a matte black necker label embossed with a gold As Ever logo and gilded details.’

Starfruit! One of a kind! Crafted! Dressed to the nines! A special black label! To attempt to do justice to such a splendid bottle I have come to the Four Seasons Hotel Westlake Village, just to the north-west of Los Angeles, deep in Kardashian country near the famous family’s Hidden Hills and Calabasas homes.

At this heavenly hotel there is a huge pool surrounded by palm trees, a greenhouse that grows eight different types of oregano and a spa offering $500 lavender milk and honey massages.

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It couldn’t be Meghan if it tried, right down to the dining options which include ‘balanced menu items for those who embrace the pursuit of optimum health’.

Time to pop the cork, pour myself a glass and – do you know what, it really is rather nice. No complaints from me. Unlike Meghan’s gruesome As Ever rose wine, this Californian sparkler is well made, with a nice bit of age and hints of crisp apple; perfect for sipping poolside on a beautiful day like today.

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If you like a methode champenoise wine – produced in the traditional way, with a second fermentation inside the bottle – you could do a lot worse than this.

My only quibble is that it is a little bit thin – and, of course, the price. Why is it so damned expensive? Meghan prices her wine on the As Ever website at £68 per bottle, but once you factor in shipping (£15) and taxes (£7), a bottle would actually set you back £90.

Similar bottles from the same Napa area tend to come in at a much lower base price; a company called Iron Horse sell one for £48; the Mumm Napa Valley 2021 Devaux Ranch Brut is £42; Korean winemaker Innovatus sell a Napa Brut Sparkling 2021 for £65, while Beverly’s Bubbles Napa 2021 Brut is £46.

On his Highgrove website, King Charles sells a Highgrove Cuvée Champagne Blanc for £42.50, with shipping costs bringing it up to £49.45 per bottle. In the battle of the royal bubbles, dear old Charles wins hands down – his is cheaper, it is real champagne and all his profits go to charity.

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One has to wonder, why is Meghan even selling wine in the first place? Her vibe is supposed to be homemade and artisanal, but this feels like the result of expert marketeers examining profit margins than something that has been handcrafted in a family vineyard at the instruction of the fragrant Duchess.

And this is the problem with the weird As Ever brand – there is little connection between the different products and no cohesion in the message.

On the company Instagram accounts Meghan and the Meghan-taste makers behind the scenes are forever encouraging customers to buy products by bundling up the goods. They were made for each other! Put the flower sprinkles on the cookies, they suggest. Spread the jam on the pancakes. Put the honey in the tea and drink it with the jammy pancakes and flowery cookies as if it was some acid-fuelled Mad Hatter’s tea party.

Last week they even suggested stirring a teaspoon of the As Ever marmalade into the new As Ever sparkling wine to ‘make a mimosa’. Who is going to do that to a ninety quid bottle of wine?

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It never ceases to amuse that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex fled the tyranny of wealth and inherited privilege in the UK for a new life as global philanthropists in America. They were going to sort out world problems, halt all wars and conflict, find a cure for Covid and be hailed as heroes for their bottomless humanitarianism.

Five years down the line and where are we now? Harry’s biggest achievement has been learning how to surf while Meghan is flogging jam and booze and tacitly trading on her title. She certainly doesn’t discourage online customers from making the connection between her and the Royal Family. ‘Just luxury, lineage and legacy in a bottle’ said one fan of the new sparkling wine.

A drinks website called Lushworthy also stuck to the royal theme. ‘If you’ve ever wanted to drink like a duchess,’ they wrote, ‘here’s your chance’.

Meanwhile the Duchess is continuing her mission to be the next Martha Stewart.

‘First of all, boil your water,’ she trills, in an instructional video featuring her Spiced Cider Mulling Kit (£12) which she likes to serve to guests as ‘a cosy beverage’ in the holiday season. This is how the As Ever website puts it; ‘Or enjoy the drink Meghan’s favourite way: in good company with the ones you love, one mug at a time.’

Please. That’s no way to speak about Harry.

Meanwhile, Meghan’s new festive goodies include two smelly candles (£49 each), a Fruit Spread Gift Set (£32) which best pal Oprah has obligingly included in her annual gifting list and a Honey Duo Gift Set (£47).

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When the As Ever brand was launched in April, everything sold out almost immediately, but that hasn’t happened with this new holiday range. Have the higher prices scared everyone away? Or has Meghan, like Santa Claus, simply got better at stocking up for Christmas stockings? Or could it be that the novelty of this weird brand has worn off and the fizz is starting to go flat?

However, Meghan and As Ever are right about one thing. It really is a very pretty bottle. Cheers!